Some Thoughts on Elderhood, Intergenerational Relating, and Good Consent
Old folks tend to forget that they are no longer the shepherds of the new world order arising, and young folks tend to forget that they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them. This is the simplest way I can explain the crux of every generation gap or intergenerational misunderstanding. Almost all intersecting curiosities concerning how olders and youngers relate to one another, or fail to relate to one another, comes back to this amnesia.
The status of elderhood doesn't depend on biological age (although in a dream world it would), but psycho-social-spiritual maturity. It's a role, and a state of being. A person has to consciously pass into elderhood, to feel it coming, and to actively accept their new role and responsibility. Facing death (mortality) is inexorably linked to this passage, and along for the ride there must be a period of reflection, mourning, grief, and, hopefully, reconciliation.
Many olders who remain earthside today were raised in a time when family norms imparted a sense that one must "respect their elders" or "respect the authority of elders." Sometimes this belief is held in awareness, sometimes it's not. Sometimes folks have pushed back against it, sometimes they haven't. Of course and always, experiences vary. This is a generalization.
I am of the opinion that it's okay to make generalizations, as long as there’s transparency. Generalizing is a useful tool when trying to look with a wide lens, or when there’s a desire to take inventory of patterns and universalities. Generalizing is one way to understand how we are not merely individuals, but parts of wholes, extending outwards into rings of wider and wider circumferences of collectivity. Our group belonging informs our individuality, and a collection of individuals creates and maintains the group belonging. Groups of individuals behave like entities; they have their own tone, personality, and mannerisms.
When I reflect on the patterns I’ve seen since living in a community within a community where intergenerational demographics stand out quite obviously, I am struck by the lack of shared understanding about what elderhood means, as well as the role of good consent in elderhood between members of a community (rather than within a biological, blended, or nuclear family). It is my opinion that, if we were to develop a shared understanding of what elderhood means, how to facilitate passage into elderhood, how to recognize this passage, and how to practice good consent once one assumes this role, community relationships could function more symbiotically--in mutual, reciprocal service to greater well being.
There should be some thought of consent in the passage from older to elder. If a person is not ready or willing to make the leap, it would be unwise to assume their readiness. There are other considerations here, too, like biological age and diversity of cognitive and physical ability. Likewise, a person should probably refrain from claiming a status of elderhood without knowing what that means, or without having put in the inner work necessary to achieve the status. So, to some degree, there must be consent on the part of the individual, as well as the community.
Elderhood is not a position of authority. It is not a position one is entitled to, and respect must be earned rather than demanded or expected. To be an elder to a young adult is not a role that is established automatically by relative biological ages. It is not even a role that is automatically established through greater experience, although youngers tend to overlook the value of that experience, or even fail to recognize it at all (for having so little experience themselves).
Unfortunately, it’s common knowledge that a person can live their whole life without much self reflection. And because, in general, the United States is an age segregated society, most of us have been raised as much by our peers and ourselves as our parents and parental figures. Most of us have never had access to the kind of elders I’m pointing at. There has been very little modeling, and so there can be very little mirroring.
In one on one relationships within a community, younger adults may choose their elders according to personal need, resonance, and self knowledge/sovereignty. Younger adults may seek out mentors, but mentorship cannot be imposed upon them. This is bad consent. In fact, in many cases, a younger person may act as a role model to their olders. And an older person may need to seek out the mentorship of the young, in order to grow, heal, and eventually achieve the status of elder.
Younger generations have the benefit of learning from their predecessor’s blind spots. This is fundamental to intergenerational relating. Ideally, the youngers improve upon the models of the olders, and make changes as necessary to better serve well being. And with enough proper guidance, the youngers might even do so without throwing away all the proverbial babies in all the proverbial bath water. If attachment wounds can be mended across generational divides, there can (potentially) be sustainable community relationships built to stand the test of time, rather than unsustainable community relationships akin to the effects of a consumer industry on non-renewable natural resources.
Olders need to support the interests of youngers to create this legacy, period. And to do that, olders must find the willingness to be in the pain of their shortcomings, blind spots, and discomfort with new ways of being. There are bound to be older ways of being that youngers fail to value until they gain experience. However, olders must do their best to practice great discernment in when it is appropriate to uphold their values, knowing the youngers will circle around to understanding, and when to step out of the way and let the world as they know it fade into ancient history.
Elderhood is the embodiment of a sturdy foundation upon which the new world order can stand. With each generation, the foundation becomes more expansive and increasingly stable. Sometimes we must go back in and rebuild and restore, other times we must work within the limitations of the existing infrastructure, sometimes we can build an entirely new wing, sometimes we can burn it to the ground and start over, sometimes we can find a new plot of land but rebuild from the original blueprints.
Most wisdom is gleaned from experience plus witnessing (awareness). Another way of saying this is: to achieve elderhood, a person has to do anything, and pay attention. Over time, experience reveals overarching patterns. These patterns are almost like laws of the (human centric) universe. Elders know the patterns, and know the seasons, and develop a sense of equanimity, as well as the ability to remember the depths of winter cold in the high heat of summertime. Elders have the great benefit of knowing their most lasting mistakes and regrets, as well as the great benefit of knowing which mistakes and regrets were fleeting or ephemeral. Most importantly, elders know their worldview is no longer relevant, and accept the exchange of their relevance for the grace of benevolence.
It can be challenging to give over the responsibility of shaping the new world order when a person feels they never had the chance to make their mark on the world, or may even feel they behaved in a way that was counter to serving well being. This is, I suspect, one of those painful lasting regrets, and must be met with a form of radical acceptance of remorse and willingness to grieve that, thankfully, can carry each and every one of us into elderhood regardless of what we were able to “achieve.”
Achievement is a high honor, depending, but only in the realm of active adulthood. In elderhood, failure to gain such status does not mean being unable to serve one’s community. In this way, elderhood is the absolvement of suffering that stems from external validation. A chance to renew commitment to humanity, extend compassion for tenderness/woundedness, reverence for interconnectivity, and to face death with growing humility, courage--even relief.
For their part, youngers can cultivate an ability to respect the hardship and suffering of those that came before them. They can recognize the self-sacrifice that accompanies the inevitability of becoming “out of touch”--how being “out of touch” is a result of focusing all available resources on rearing children, serving community, and simply having no time, space, or energy to heal when basic survival is top priority. That survival has always been paramount, and increasing the chance of survival and thrival for descendants has always taken precedence in acts of love. This is where the ancestral wisdom to “respect thy elders” comes from originally; not as a display of inherent authoritarianism or natural hierarchy, but as an appeal for compassion, gratitude, humility, and maturity.
In the passage from adolescence to early adulthood, there is often a season of resentment towards olders in the discovery of all the ways one was mistreated in childhood dependency and innocence. Maturation into early adulthood requires the ability to no longer blame one’s parents/olders for suffering, but to recognize one’s olders as equals in hardship. Likewise, adulthood means gaining humility in the recognition that one is not superior to their olders (we all struggle, fail, and fall short in the same fundamental ways), while simultaneously taking on the responsibility to do what the olders failed to do or were unable to do.
Left unburdened by the backward ways of the larger world, each generation almost can’t help but improve upon the models of the last. And youngers would do well to realize how the only reason they are able to hold their olders under such scrutiny, is because they have access to relatively higher levels of material security or more protections and permission to pursue thriving. This point in particular evokes some complexity, though, because the world is certainly not unburdened.
The good news is, nothing is beyond repair in the realm of human relationships. It all maybe sounds a bit intellectual and fancy, but that’s because I was trying to be specific. In truth, most of what I’ve written here, while heavily influenced by mentors and peers and information and schooling and chatting with ghosts, was born from paying attention to my own experience. Some experiences really are universal, even if we bump into them subjectively. Do anything, but pay attention, and all that we need to know about being human is available to us, to everybody.
Support indie anthropology as an art form on Patreon.
The status of elderhood doesn't depend on biological age (although in a dream world it would), but psycho-social-spiritual maturity. It's a role, and a state of being. A person has to consciously pass into elderhood, to feel it coming, and to actively accept their new role and responsibility. Facing death (mortality) is inexorably linked to this passage, and along for the ride there must be a period of reflection, mourning, grief, and, hopefully, reconciliation.
Many olders who remain earthside today were raised in a time when family norms imparted a sense that one must "respect their elders" or "respect the authority of elders." Sometimes this belief is held in awareness, sometimes it's not. Sometimes folks have pushed back against it, sometimes they haven't. Of course and always, experiences vary. This is a generalization.
I am of the opinion that it's okay to make generalizations, as long as there’s transparency. Generalizing is a useful tool when trying to look with a wide lens, or when there’s a desire to take inventory of patterns and universalities. Generalizing is one way to understand how we are not merely individuals, but parts of wholes, extending outwards into rings of wider and wider circumferences of collectivity. Our group belonging informs our individuality, and a collection of individuals creates and maintains the group belonging. Groups of individuals behave like entities; they have their own tone, personality, and mannerisms.
When I reflect on the patterns I’ve seen since living in a community within a community where intergenerational demographics stand out quite obviously, I am struck by the lack of shared understanding about what elderhood means, as well as the role of good consent in elderhood between members of a community (rather than within a biological, blended, or nuclear family). It is my opinion that, if we were to develop a shared understanding of what elderhood means, how to facilitate passage into elderhood, how to recognize this passage, and how to practice good consent once one assumes this role, community relationships could function more symbiotically--in mutual, reciprocal service to greater well being.
There should be some thought of consent in the passage from older to elder. If a person is not ready or willing to make the leap, it would be unwise to assume their readiness. There are other considerations here, too, like biological age and diversity of cognitive and physical ability. Likewise, a person should probably refrain from claiming a status of elderhood without knowing what that means, or without having put in the inner work necessary to achieve the status. So, to some degree, there must be consent on the part of the individual, as well as the community.
Elderhood is not a position of authority. It is not a position one is entitled to, and respect must be earned rather than demanded or expected. To be an elder to a young adult is not a role that is established automatically by relative biological ages. It is not even a role that is automatically established through greater experience, although youngers tend to overlook the value of that experience, or even fail to recognize it at all (for having so little experience themselves).
Unfortunately, it’s common knowledge that a person can live their whole life without much self reflection. And because, in general, the United States is an age segregated society, most of us have been raised as much by our peers and ourselves as our parents and parental figures. Most of us have never had access to the kind of elders I’m pointing at. There has been very little modeling, and so there can be very little mirroring.
In one on one relationships within a community, younger adults may choose their elders according to personal need, resonance, and self knowledge/sovereignty. Younger adults may seek out mentors, but mentorship cannot be imposed upon them. This is bad consent. In fact, in many cases, a younger person may act as a role model to their olders. And an older person may need to seek out the mentorship of the young, in order to grow, heal, and eventually achieve the status of elder.
Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash
Olders need to support the interests of youngers to create this legacy, period. And to do that, olders must find the willingness to be in the pain of their shortcomings, blind spots, and discomfort with new ways of being. There are bound to be older ways of being that youngers fail to value until they gain experience. However, olders must do their best to practice great discernment in when it is appropriate to uphold their values, knowing the youngers will circle around to understanding, and when to step out of the way and let the world as they know it fade into ancient history.
Elderhood is the embodiment of a sturdy foundation upon which the new world order can stand. With each generation, the foundation becomes more expansive and increasingly stable. Sometimes we must go back in and rebuild and restore, other times we must work within the limitations of the existing infrastructure, sometimes we can build an entirely new wing, sometimes we can burn it to the ground and start over, sometimes we can find a new plot of land but rebuild from the original blueprints.
Most wisdom is gleaned from experience plus witnessing (awareness). Another way of saying this is: to achieve elderhood, a person has to do anything, and pay attention. Over time, experience reveals overarching patterns. These patterns are almost like laws of the (human centric) universe. Elders know the patterns, and know the seasons, and develop a sense of equanimity, as well as the ability to remember the depths of winter cold in the high heat of summertime. Elders have the great benefit of knowing their most lasting mistakes and regrets, as well as the great benefit of knowing which mistakes and regrets were fleeting or ephemeral. Most importantly, elders know their worldview is no longer relevant, and accept the exchange of their relevance for the grace of benevolence.
It can be challenging to give over the responsibility of shaping the new world order when a person feels they never had the chance to make their mark on the world, or may even feel they behaved in a way that was counter to serving well being. This is, I suspect, one of those painful lasting regrets, and must be met with a form of radical acceptance of remorse and willingness to grieve that, thankfully, can carry each and every one of us into elderhood regardless of what we were able to “achieve.”
Achievement is a high honor, depending, but only in the realm of active adulthood. In elderhood, failure to gain such status does not mean being unable to serve one’s community. In this way, elderhood is the absolvement of suffering that stems from external validation. A chance to renew commitment to humanity, extend compassion for tenderness/woundedness, reverence for interconnectivity, and to face death with growing humility, courage--even relief.
For their part, youngers can cultivate an ability to respect the hardship and suffering of those that came before them. They can recognize the self-sacrifice that accompanies the inevitability of becoming “out of touch”--how being “out of touch” is a result of focusing all available resources on rearing children, serving community, and simply having no time, space, or energy to heal when basic survival is top priority. That survival has always been paramount, and increasing the chance of survival and thrival for descendants has always taken precedence in acts of love. This is where the ancestral wisdom to “respect thy elders” comes from originally; not as a display of inherent authoritarianism or natural hierarchy, but as an appeal for compassion, gratitude, humility, and maturity.
In the passage from adolescence to early adulthood, there is often a season of resentment towards olders in the discovery of all the ways one was mistreated in childhood dependency and innocence. Maturation into early adulthood requires the ability to no longer blame one’s parents/olders for suffering, but to recognize one’s olders as equals in hardship. Likewise, adulthood means gaining humility in the recognition that one is not superior to their olders (we all struggle, fail, and fall short in the same fundamental ways), while simultaneously taking on the responsibility to do what the olders failed to do or were unable to do.
Left unburdened by the backward ways of the larger world, each generation almost can’t help but improve upon the models of the last. And youngers would do well to realize how the only reason they are able to hold their olders under such scrutiny, is because they have access to relatively higher levels of material security or more protections and permission to pursue thriving. This point in particular evokes some complexity, though, because the world is certainly not unburdened.
The good news is, nothing is beyond repair in the realm of human relationships. It all maybe sounds a bit intellectual and fancy, but that’s because I was trying to be specific. In truth, most of what I’ve written here, while heavily influenced by mentors and peers and information and schooling and chatting with ghosts, was born from paying attention to my own experience. Some experiences really are universal, even if we bump into them subjectively. Do anything, but pay attention, and all that we need to know about being human is available to us, to everybody.
Support indie anthropology as an art form on Patreon.
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